I'm Mike, an alcoholic.

What is self-deception as it relates to the Alcoholic? On one level, it is an ugly mixture of distorted reality and willed ignorance. We deny, suppress, or minimize what we know to be true. Of course, self-deception can be expressed in many ways, some less harmful than others. The Big Book talks about how we make vain attempts to prove we can drink like normal people. That one day we will be able to control and enjoy our drinking. I myself am guilty of this. I convinced myself several times that I was regaining control. I was, as the Big Book says, able to have brief periods of control. But it was always followed by still more lack of control. Over time, I only got worse never better. Like other alcoholics, I had lost control of my drinking. And like many others, I did not believe that I was in that class. Through every form of self-deception and experimentation, I set out to prove I was the exception. Thinking has always been a problem for me. If my problem had been drinking only, I would have had no problem at all -- just don't drink. My problem is when thinking and drinking team up against me. My mind also lied to me. All it ever wanted was one little drink, but once it got that drink, it chanted more, more, more -- self-deception. Alcohol did not quench my mind's thirst, it increased it. Confusion and doubt were companions to my drinking for so long that I grew accustomed to them. I would have died that way except for the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous and all of you. The Twelve Steps provided a path to the grace of God where my spirit finds nourishment and growth. I found that to survive the deadly power of my disease, I had to develop a thankful heart and, not only an interest in God's will, but the willingness to do His will in my daily life. When I make myself available to Him, God gives me power over self-deception and opportunities to be an example of His power. Thanks for letting me share.

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