Surrender

Hi, I'm Marsha, an alcoholic.

I just finished reading 'Pass It On', the story of Bill Wilson and how the AA message reached the world. I was once again impressed that it all began in a hospital room when Bill W. got to the end of himself. I had a dark night of the soul such as his ... a hot, June night when I hugged a pillow while leaning against a den wall. The pain was unbearable, and I was past the point of just wanting to numb out, only to come to again and feel the remorse, the shame of yet another drunk. I couldn't imagine living with alcohol or without it. I finally called out to God and felt an incredible sense of peace and ease. I fell deeply asleep and woke refreshed and resolved. That very day I walked into my first AA meeting. I had been to Al-anon for a year, and had written an honest Fourth Step. Step Five brought out the drinking pattern which revealed my inability to stop once I began drinking ... the blackouts, and the new resolve, followed by that 'incomprehensible demoralization' the Big Book talks about. The lady who heard my Fifth Step would often stop me and ask, "have you ever thought you might be an alcoholic?" I had many 'buts' to answer this, for I was not a daily drinker. I was a binge drinker who could go for long periods of time between drunks, yet the moment that I picked up a drink, all resolve was lost. My mother had been an alcoholic, and I was determined I would never be one ... as if I had that kind of power over a disease! Yet as it says in the Big Book (p. 31), "Many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule." Of course, it wasn't until I came into AA that I began to really see what I had been up against ... "cunning, baffling, and powerful alcoholism." None of my willpower or self-knowledge was any match for that. So began my journey from that hot June night, in that moment of surrender, when defeat turned out to be the turning point of my whole life. This is what my surrender felt like: I was fresh out of plans, schemes, buts, no's, another try, another take, another anything. I was completely done, at my wits end, through struggling, debating, suggesting, manipulating, screaming, crying, maneuvering. In the quiet of being done, surrender was there welcoming me home to the relief of being on the other side of all I wanted or thought I needed. All my efforts are tied to the tail of a big kite, like colored ribbons, and flung out into space. I am over it all. A fresh new breeze rushed in and cleaned me out, utterly and completely. Surrender is where the miracles began happening. It's where my heart opened finally vulnerable to seek help. It's where God's grace blew through my soul. I was finally at the end of myself and there was my Higher Power waiting all along. I discovered there was life after surrender, beautiful, challenging, daunting at times, yet the magnificent freedom surrender brings is like no other. Over twenty years later I can still recall that moment of utter and complete defeat when the arms of AA stretched out to teach me how to live again.

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