My name is Tracy, and I'm an alcoholic.

I am going through another spell in my recovery where I can't let go. I've been sober for six years now and letting go of a problem that I don't see an outcome for, is still the hardest thing for me to do. I feel like I have a catcher's mitt and a ball. The ball is the problem, and if I throw it up to the heavens, God will catch it and throw it back down with the answer. I know, metaphorically, this is the way to do it. Throw it! When I am finally in enough pain I will do it this way. But sitting in the problem and sitting in the pain is something I can seem to do forever. I don't know why. Maybe it's just familiar to me (but miserable). Maybe I like it as I don't like myself and feel I need to manufacture my own misery, I just don't know. So I stand here with my ball, my mitt and my mask on, hanging on. I will not throw my ball up to God for the answer. I will, however, show my ball to everyone. And I mean each and every poor person who knows me and knows that I'm in recovery and bore them to tears with my ball. I show it off, don't them touch it, don't let them throw it up to God for me; I just make them listen to me, and make them feel as crummy as I do. Then I go to bed with it under my pillow, sleep terribly and begin my day with it again, hanging on for dear life. Don't touch my ball! Well, yesterday, I threw it and am now standing here gazing up into the sky, still wearing my mitt and my mask. I am poised and ready for God to throw the ball back with the answer written on it or something. I can't believe I threw it but know I did it because I prayed about it, told a friend, and read my meditation books. Without AA I would have an enormous hangover today, and with AA I have peace. Thank you!

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