Hello, my name is Paul G., and I am a very grateful alcoholic.

Occasionally I have to look long into the mirror to see who that guy is, and why he is so content. I used to think happy-looking people were phony, ignorant or annoying. I always looked for the differences -- the weak spot, or some way to be better. I worked hard for many years to be better. Worked my way right over the edge. I hoped everyone would just leave me alone. Then, I became very lonely and sad. I felt sorry for myself and angry with others for making me that way. I drank harder to fight them, the loneliness, and the fear of failure. I was afraid of failing, and would never admit it until March 4, 1991, when my wife left after 21 years and took our two boys, 6 and 8. I couldn't hide it anymore. I was done. I gave up. I reached out for help to a local hospital, they referred me to a therapist, and he referred me to AA. For a while I was in a fog and simply followed people around, doing what they did. I went to meetings every day and after a month or so, I found a sponsor to help me to really work the program. I couldn't follow simple instructions or understand what I read in the Big Book by myself. I daydreamed a lot and put things off. My sponsor began by setting timelines and suggesting I talk to a Higher Power. One tough night, I walked out into my dark backyard and said, "God, please help me!" I have not had a drink since I said those four words. It has been over 14 years now. At Step Four, I didn't know what to do. My sponsor said, "Read it again, underline the verbs, then do the action." I learned I was afraid, and too stubborn to admit my anger. It was really fear. I asked God to help me with these things and, little by little, I stepped through them. I had to quiet my inner self and the life I led so people could love me again and want to be around me. They have returned, and life is all around me, close, like a warm wool blanket on a winter day. I wish the same for you, my friends.