My name is Shan, alcoholic.

Sober today, thanks to God and this Fellowship. I learned that behind my drinking was an inability to deal with reality. I had no coping skills, no living skills, no decision-making skills. I had no idea what a feeling was, since all I knew was a ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach, and even if I did know, I wouldn't have been able to put a name to it. First, I needed to deal with fear, then get real, and learn how to live daily in the real world. No more locking the front door and taking the phone off the hook. No more avoiding things I didn't like. I had to grow up and get over myself real fast and deal with life. I have two small children, and always felt the needs of others should come before mine. So I didn't have a whole lot of time to contemplate my navel. I got busy, got into the middle of the Fellowship, spent a lot of time with older members and watched what they did. I learned that I create the results I get in life, and that if I didn't like the result I was getting, to change my behavior to get a different result. But having said all that, I was still pushing down my feelings and people-pleasing and scared my feelings would overwhelm me if I let them come up. There are only so many places your feelings can go, and it comes down to something has to give. I didn't want that thing to be my sobriety. So slowly, over this year mainly, I have let my feelings come up, slowly, safely with you people. And as has been said, AA loves us well. It is still not easy to do, simply because it is new and unfamiliar to me. But today, I can feel any feeling and not drink on it ... not even think about a drink. And that is a miracle, because I know we can feel our feelings, validate them, give a voice to them, and live in the real world. It is all thanks to you wonderful people whom God has so graciously put in my path, with beautiful hearts who show me daily how to do that.

Thanks for letting me share.