I'm Bebe, alcoholic and addict.

When I was a child my greatest fear was growing up, watching others grow older, and losing them. I couldn't accept the process of life. I had dreams of trying to run and becoming stuck, not able to get away. When I was ten, I thought of committing suicide so I wouldn't have to go through the process of growing up. Then I found booze and drugs and thought I'd found the Fountain of Youth! All I really did was to block all the feelings of growing up and stagnate. Well, we know where I ended up: worn, aged, and tired. All those memories and voices that I'd tried to block out came back to me. I wanted to run, but there was no place to run. I wanted recovery, and knew I needed to face everything, go through the great fear, and hope and trust in my Higher Power. I finally went through all the years I missed, although I still try to nourish that little girl inside me that I'd starved. I grew up, and it feels great today to be a grown-up woman. I still have thoughts of running since my accident. I miss the old me very much when I was able to attend meetings every day. That's all changed. It's very hard to accept that awful day when I became disabled, but a drink would make it worse. I was close to death four times, and I know I wouldn't make it back. I pray for the willingness. I'm very scared, and there is no place to go except to my Higher Power. I'm often very lost and feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But I get through it and see I was carried. I was such a frightened person, and now I have a life. I pray for the strength to accept myself ... disabilities and all. There is only loss in running away, so I try my best to keep it in the "now."
- Bebe