My name is Liz, and I am an alcoholic.

I am new to online meetings, so bear with me, even though I'm very familiar and comfortable in face-to-face meetings. It's funny how we alcoholics operate. We talk about surrender. I looked up surrender in the dictionary, and it tells me, "to relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion." Quite frankly, I wasn't willing or ready to give up anything when I first got here. I just wanted the consequences and pain to stop. However, I still wanted to continue to drink. I was too afraid to think of how my life would be without drinking ... I thought my life would end! Anyway, the Big Book (p.43) tells me that, "Most alcoholics have to be pretty badly mangled before they really commence to solve their problems." That's true for me. It was only through utter defeat that I was able to "surrender" or give up my control. When I had absolutely run out of all other options. I had to be beaten down my own misery before I accepted myself as an alcoholic. And folks, this isn't when I was drinking! This was in sobriety! I was a failure in every department of my life and I couldn't stand to be in my own skin. That's why I know I'm an alcoholic now. Because just stopping drinking isn't enough for me. I got so bad emotionally and mentally in sobriety I actually contemplated suicide. Then, and only then did I come to investigate the PROGRAM of Alcoholics Anonymous. I got myself a sponsor. Boy, you talk about surrendering! My sponsor told me if I wanted what she had I had to do what she did. It all sounded easy, but to put things into action for this lazy alcoholic ... that was a different story! But, the more I did and followed directions, the better things got. I've been told you've got to surrender to win. And I truly believe that. Even with everyday problems in my life. I'm still the same as far as dealing with stuff. I will only change something or give up something if it is damn-near ready to kill me. But once I do completely surrender, that's where the relief comes and so does the freedom. I am so grateful for AA because it's given me a life I've never dreamed possible. I'm also grateful for these online meetings I've just discovered. They are great. Thanks for letting me share and thanks for always being here.
- Liz